Better luck next time

Unfortunately for us 2010 will not be the year that World Cup fever spreads past the first round of eliminations in the U.S. After a tightly contested match the United States fell to Ghana in overtime which marks the the second consecutive World Cup match against Ghana that has sent the U.S. home early. This loss comes as a heavy blow to a U.S. team that was riding high on it's 1 to 1 tie against England in the first round. Both thrilling games showcased the ability of the U.S. team to keep their score as low as possible. Following the loss the U.S. ambassador to mediocrity Joe Schmo was quoted as saying "Meh! It's not who wins or looses but I'm just glad they tried hard. Third time's a charm, we'll get 'em next time!".

Get real! I don't care how much people want soccer.....er.....football to happen here. Until we start winning it's not going to. If you want proof of this look at the 1980 miracle on ice team that is still somehow proping the sport of hockey up on life support here in the states. People still talk about that win like it decided the Cold War for us! We are a country that demands winning because it's in our DNA.

If we loose at something then we simply downplay our interest in it. Like when we lost to Puerto Rico in basketball during the 2004 Olympics. "They play a different type of basketball with funny rules". Ah, that is why they out scored us by 19 points. Gotcha.

When it comes to a sport based on low scores, lots of defense, and way more acting than a Megan Fox movie, we as Americans will demand more for our attention. That is why I have a few suggestions that might help the U.S. the next time around.

1. Play with steel toe boots. If half the injuries that were faked on the field were the result of a size 12 Redwing to the shin I think you could sway some of the MMA crowd over.

2. Give players weapons. Since the common perception here in the states is that soccer players are sissies I think if they were carying a baseball bat around to bludgeon a would be "challenger" it help would dispell that myth. Besides nothing says American like a Louisville Slugger!

3. Release a live bear onto the field. If you think the World Cup is boring and a little slow just watch how fast everyone would run with a 2-ton Alaskan Grizzly on the loose. "Hey that bear is from America. USA...USA...USA!!!" Better yet give each team a bear and instead of those stupid yellow and red cards make player tie a T-bone steak around their waist after a foul. Now it's like the World Cup meets Survivor!

Admitedly the aforementioned "improvements" would resemble something out of a Mad Max movie rather than a World Cup game but I think the point is that if America is going to get on board with another sport it will need to cater to the audience.

Then again maybe yelling GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!! once every forty-five minutes is enough to help soccer...er...football catch on here in the U.S. When it comes to obnoxiously screaming things at the top of your lungs while wearing funny hats we love that kind of stuff!

That was a close one!

So I am finally confident that the dust has settled on the expansion/contraction/formal execution of the Big 12 conference. I am a die hard KU fan and because of this I have been relegated to sitting idly by while nefarious forces (mainly Texas, the Big Ten, and the Pac-10) try to force my beloved Jayhawks out of their happy home. I myself have been holding my breath and trying to read any information on the subject for the last few weeks and I have come to the conclusion: I absolutely hate rumors! I blame myself for getting so worked up about this situation because I don't have to read the news but it's almost impossible to ignore when they are talking about the fate of my Alma Mater. Although no one has a clue what really goes on behind closed doors everyone in the media is quoting a "confidential source" that knows someone, who is affiliated with, a friend of the person, who mows the lawn for a decision maker in the program. For the love of God just tell me who who we're going to play next year!

Unfortunately no one had any idea what was going to happen and we all had to watch the fallout unfold one leaked headline at a time. Because the rumors got out of control the Big 12 was made to look like a second rate conference that no one wanted to be a part of. What, you ask, started this overnight exodus from the Big 12? The short answer is of course money. It's no secret that colleges make a ton on their athletic programs and because of this they are constantly evaluating how they can find additional streams of revenue to bolster their programs. Because the Everyone saw an opportunity to make money and no one wanted to tip their hand in this high stakes game of B.S.

In the end Nebraska left for the Big Ten (although they now have 12 teams), Colorado headed for the Pac-10 ( who also has 12 teams after adding Utah), Texas and the rest of its mindless affiliates decided to stay put in the Big 12 (which is down to only 10 teams)...for now. Mizzou made a pathetic attempt to save face while pleading to keep the conference together after they found out they were snubbed in their bid to join the Big Ten. And all the while KU, K-State, Baylor, and Iowa State were tight lipped and stoic about the whole process while no doubt shitting their pants at the thought of what cut rate conference they would be able to get into if things went bad.

So how did the the Big 12 go from the verge of extinction to overnight basketball super conference? Easy, everyone promised Texas a lot of money. Not only will many teams need to pony up a bribe for the chance to get smoked by the Longhorns in football on an annual basis but also much of the money that Nebraska and Colorado will pay for leaving the conference is going to...guess who? Plus the Big 12 has agreed to allow Texas to pursue its own TV contract that they alone would gain the revenue from. Holy crap! Texas just mugged every remaining team in the Big 12 for millions and they had to smile about it! Somebody get Texas a cigarette after that f-job!

At first I was extremely worried that this debacle would spell doom for the history and the rivalries that KU and the Big 12 have cultivated over the years. If Texas left they would have taken the rest of the Big 12 South with them and left the four stepchildren in the north to fight for table scraps (i.e. the Mountain West Conference....ugh). This was an unflattering situation to say the least. The thought of playing a perennial powerhouse like Air Force or Wyoming just didn't stack up to the type of rivalries we have in the status quo. Not to mention the irony of any team in Kansas being part of a conference with "mountain" in its title is enough for me to veto this move (note: there is a mountain in Kansas! Mount Sunflower 4,039 feet above sea level. But I still don't want anything to do with the MWC...sorry).

Now that this crisis is over and I don't have to worry about driving to Utah for an 'effing conference game next season, I'm trying to reconcile my emotions about this whole ordeal. I am still somewhat upset that the media circus surrounding this event made legitimate Big 12 universities look like a bunch of lepers that would contaminate "superior" conferences. But more than that I'm pissed that Texas gets to be courted by multiple conferences at once only to bluff its way to a huge payday. I am more aware than I would like to admit that Texas is a necessary evil to tolerate if we want to have any resemblance to the Big 12 that we have come to know and love but that doesn't mean I have to like it. On the bright side maybe this will be just the motivation that others in the Big 12 need to stick it to the burnt orange bastards when they face them in conference.

I'm pretty sure I have learned two things from this experience. The first is that money will always win over preserving tradition. And the second is that no one at any of the league offices can count how many teams are actually in their own conference! I guess the only numbers they are interested in counting have $$$ in front of them.

Ahhh...Saint Valentine's Day. A day in which men everywhere club each over the head to get the last of the roses and candy left on store shelves. A day that symbolizes the commericialization of America and the fact that the world is in fact run (behind the scenes of course) by Hallmark (based in Kansas City for all you hometown fans). It is also a day that is largely misunderstood. Therefore I thought that I would share a little knowledge about this "holiday"....

In 496 A.D Pope Gelasius I estabilshed that a feast should be held in honor a martyr by the name of Valentine (but instead of "Valentine" is was pronounced all Greeky). Details are fuzzy about whether or not the feast was supposed to be for just one "Valentine" or several martyrs by that name. (Feasts were kinda like keggers in those days, you didn't need a real good excuse to have one) The thing is Gelasius didn't even know the guy or for that matter what the guy did other than die. He was quoted as saying "his acts are known only to God....and he owes me money". This may be paraphrasing but the point is he was no Lebron James of his day.

Later historical evidence point to a "Valentinus" that was a Roman priest who was caught and imprisoned for marrying Christian couples (the eqivilent of a modern day prop 8 scandal...thanks California). The Roman emporer at the time Claudius II actually became fond of Valentinus and the two became close...until Valentinus tried to convert Claudius II to Christianity. Claudius then promptly ordered Valentinus to be beaten with clubs and beheaded. (Just to be fair this is a pretty standard reaction to anyone who tries to push their religion on me too.)

This decidedly un-Valentine's Day-like event later led to Gelasius declaring a feast in the name of Valentine, the brutal murder of seven gangsters by Al Capone's gang in 1929, and eventually to what we know today as Saint "open your wallets for candy and flowers" Day. If you are as confused as I am about what giving flowers and greeting cards to a loved one has to do with these events you aren't alone.

Oh well, V-Day is almost over and now we can concentrate on celebrating Jesus rising from the dead by hiding painted egss and taking our kids pictures on the lap of a six foot tall rabbit at Sears. God Bless America!!!

Short on time, patience, and intelligence...

This post goes out to all of those individuals who have been stuck in airports for the last few days and are taking it out on the people in customer service around them. As I'm writing this my understanding is that the east coast has been getting pounded for days with a blizzard, Atlanta and Florida are in a panic because white stuff is falling from the sky (they don't know what snow looks like), and Dallas has cancelled flights for the next few days. People can commence with their tantrums....now. "What do you mean the g*#$am flight is canncelled? Oh my god we're all gonna have to wait for the weather to clear up? Where is all this global warming I keep hearing about?"

I work at an airport so I get it that the airport sucks out loud!!! We all take it on the chin from the security guy and then there is a delay or a cancellation and you end up living in the airport like Tom Hanks in that one movie. Yeah it isn't fun but why take it out on the people that work there? Sure they aren't that friendly but that's because neither are you. Just realize the only person that can help you at that very moment is standing there and they are trying to help. They don't want to get yelled at but they also need to do their job. If their job is to sell you something just listen to their pitch. If they need to check to see if you are smuggling produce in from Canada....spread 'em. If their job is to whip you up a non-fat, non-gmo, soy protien, mocha latte (gross) don't cause a scene. Just calmly explain that they forgot the whip cream and get the f**k over yourself.

Whether you are at the airline baggage check, the rental car counter, or the starbucks you should try to be nice to the person that is helping you. Why you ask? Because if you don't tip the sky cap your bags will wind up in Saudi Arabia. If you don't politely refuse an upgrade you will wind up driving a roller skate that was recently smoked in. And if you don't feel it is neccessary to thank the person making your esspresso....it may have the distinct aftertaste of spit.

As Americans we seem to embrace many annual traditions. Some are big and grandiose such as the 4th of July where we boisterously celebrate our independence from tyranny. And some are more muted and solemn, such as Veterans Day where we honor those who fought to make this country what it is today. Others are just excuses to dress like prostitutes, get drunk, and beg for candy (best Flag Day ever).

These days mean more to some of us than others because of our individual experiences and what we hold to be sacred in our own lives. For example I would venture to say that most women in a relationship hold Valentine's Day to be more of a test for how well their significant other pays attention to the hints they have been dropping for months about a specific gift as opposed to the generic card and candy most closely associated with the holiday. Most men on the other hand are confused why the $6 singing card and over sized box of chocolates (that she obviously kept hinting at when she said that she felt like chocolate every time you walked by them) did not achieve the desired effect. Regardless American holidays are rooted in tradition and unfortunately some expectation.

However I take exception to one holiday in particular. In the corporate world this holiday baffles me and angers me beyond even the mild annoyance of National Aviation Day (August 19th...look it up) . That holiday is National Bosses Day. I myself am in management and I think this is an absolute crock! I will admit that this is not exactly a major American holiday but it is listed on the calender in my office which makes it bad enough.

So why does this upset me you ask? I feel that respect is the most important thing in the workplace and I don't think that a card should be what we equate with respect. Especially if it is prompted by an arbitrary date on a calender reminding people to spend money on thanking their boss for doing his job.

No, to me respect means not showing up two hours late for work and drunk (thanks EV). After all the "Boss" probably makes way more than the employees do so why should they give their hard earned money to a greeting card company who in turn gives it to the boss there only to create another fictitious holiday to buy greeting cards for. Now that is a vicious cycle.

Besides what happens to that card once it is read? "Oh, thank you so much for the card. I'll put it up on my huge mahogany mantle surrounded by rare elephant tusks in my huge mansion that sits at the end of a cul-de-sac in my gated community. Enjoy your shanty, peasant." Cards for this kind of occasion should have been replaced by the invention of text messaging. "Hey boss, thnx 4 not firing me yet. :) TTYL".

And what if someone feels like giving the boss a present? They have immediately upped the ante. Its like the kid who give his teacher an apple and automatically gets an A. That brown-nosing mentality would have gotten your ass kicked on the playground. If you give a gift you become that 8 year old little bastard of the class again. And who does that person think they are? The act of openly calling out your fellow employees to match this gift is basically declaring war on the other people in the office.

In the end there are a lot of holidays and traditions that we as Americans can enjoy together and find common ground on. However, should you feel the need to alienate those around you by forcing them to live up to your hallmark standard you should consider putting a mirror in your cubicle to watch your back.

Time and punishment

150 years. A lot can happen in a century and a half. For instance within the last 150 years we have developed planes, cars, computers, pizza bites, ipods, and nuclear power. All of these things have revolutionized our day to day lives. 150 years ago people were just beginning to adjust to the idea that cars didn't crap in the street like horses have a knack for doing. If that isn't an improvement of quality of life I don't know what is.

So why am I so interested in what was going on 150 years ago you ask? Well, today Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for operating the largest ponzi scheme ever known and I'm just wondering how I feel about that. (Just in case you need to know a ponzi scheme is when you pay investors returns on their investments with other investor's money. Instead of investing the money coming in you just distribute it to other investors and pocket the rest. This method is named for Charles Ponzi who was an immigrant that pulled this stunt about 100 years ago. Don't feel bad if you didn't know because I had to look it up).

I mean the guy did swindle billions from thousands of investors since the early 90's but holy crap that's a long time! Not only was his sentence the maximum allowable penalty by law but also the guy is in his 70's. The judge cited the length of the sentence being "symbolic" and a deterrent for the future. Now don't get me wrong, I think what he did was horrible, despicable, and totally without remorse but it seems like a slight departure from the slap on the wrist that we expect white collar criminals to come away with. Even the former CEO Jeffrey Skilling received a fraction of that for his role in the Enron debacle.

Let me put a 150 year sentence in perspective. Sentencing rules for murder go something like this. With no prior criminal record murder one usually carries a 120-121 month (10 years)sentence all the way to a life sentence with the presumption that there were no other mitigating factors. (Don't worry I didn't know what mitigating factors were either. That's when someone shows extreme behavior either to cause harm or prevent harm. Like using a weapon or if the person acted in self defense. The Internet is awesome!). That doesn't even take into account a possible %20 reduction in time served for good behavior. Does this mean that the judicial system now thinks it is easier to reform a murderer in a few years as opposed to someone who steals money?

Let me take this opportunity to say that I don't mean for this to be a morality debate on if thieves or murderers should get more time in prison. Personally I think every case deserves careful deliberation and I'm all for the punishment fitting the crime. However in Bernard Madoff's case I think there could have been a more fitting punishment than sticking him in a cell that is funded by the tax dollars of those that he stole from. Talk about ironic, this guy just can't stop taking people's money.

I think that forcing him to be one of those dancing Statue of Liberty tax promoters would have been more appropriate. Although I'm already disturbed by thinking about letting those people do my taxes and having Mr. Madoff as your spokesman for anything to do with money might be bad for business. I could get behind him being a chimney sweep under court supervision. Although maybe that would turn out to be an awesome job. I've never met any chimney sweeps. What if the court made him work on one of those crab fishing boats until he made enough money to pay back the money he stole? I suppose that wouldn't work either because then we would have to give him his own reality show on Discovery. Maybe there is no way to punish him adequately for his crime but I just feel like everyone got cheated by simply stuffing this old crook in a cell to rot.

Personally I think I'm hoping that we develop some type of medical treatment to keep Bernie alive for the next 150 years. Just think what he'll walk out of prison to find. Flying cars, holographic computers, pizza bites 2.0, and cold fusion. That is assuming the adjustment to outside life doesn't get to him like Brooks in The Shawshank Redemption. Then he will have to find work in this futuristic world where employment options for a 220 year old ex-con consist of the guy who sprays futuristic bowling shoes with disinfectant and the manager of a flying rental car company. Now that will be the day that justice is served.

A moment of silence...

I am deeply saddened to hear that Billy Mays was found dead in his home this morning. This is especially sad for me because I too am in sales and I always kind of liked his carnival barker approach to selling crap that I never knew I had to have. He was a master of getting millions of people to trust him at first glance while he's hocking his wares at an extreme decibel level on cable TV. Somehow this bearded sales aficionado gave a sense of credibility to everything he touched. I don't know how Oxi Clean works but I can't argue with its stain fighting power and I must have it! Even ESPN got in on the Mays bandwagon to pitch one of their websites which I thought was hilarious and the fact that he could poke fun at himself while doing it was even better. I mean really you have to hand it to the guy for being a true American success story. He even landed his own show recently that really showcased what an icon he had become for selling stuff on behalf of the small time inventor with a decent product and no way to market it. I like him so much I'm even thinking about being Billy Mays for Halloween! Now all we have left is the Shamwow guy who beats up hookers...downgrade. Love him or hate him he got your attention and his death comes in the same week that we lost Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Now we're going to get 24 hour coverage of every autopsy and toxicology report that might lead investigators to believe that any one of these celebs had aspirin in their system that they are linking to them taking for a headache that might have lead to their demise. Let the media circus ensue...shoot me now! Who cares if they were taking drugs. They are constantly pursued by the press, even after death, and I'm sure that just like the rest of us they have problems that a few little pills help them cope with. At least this gives news organizations something else to talk about besides the economy for five minutes. Now we're left with every aspect of Jackson's life and death casting a shadow that is eclipsing everything else going on in the world at the moment. And I understand that it is very shocking and even fairly newsworthy but the part I find the most interesting is how people are fighting over his stuff. Sure its worth a lot of money but why do we put so much value in someone else's crap? I personally can't think of a single room in my place that a silver sequined glove in a glass case would look appropriate. Don't get me wrong I would love to be selling the aforementioned glove which is currently retailing for just shy of $400,000! But what the hell makes it worth that much to someone? Is it the thought that the famous person who owned that item left a little piece of themselves immortalized in spirit behind? And now it can be yours for 3 easy payments of $159,999.99. But wait that's not all, if you call now we'll also throw in the fabulous title of being an eccentric loony toon who shows off random artifacts to no one in particular that 30 years from now no one will even understand the significance of. Not even the great Billy Mays could sell that as a good idea. I also find it a little strange that we as a society put so much value in some one's autograph. Why does someone scribbling illegibly on anything make that item worth more. And then the second that they kick the bucket its value goes through the roof. Is this because never again will they be allowed to hold a pen that touched that fast food napkin you so hastily scrambled to come up with when you saw B-list celeb coming out of the rehab clinic. Now your friends will have to believe you! Am I the only one that thinks that is a weird memento to take away from a chance encounter with a star? Although I am a bit of a hypocrite because I would be happy to build a shrine for a Michael Jordan autographed jersey but that is beside the point. Isn't it funny how we the people build up celebs to be better than us, resent them for being larger than life, strive to grab a piece of their greatness, and then want to tear them down after their gone. Unfortunately that is human nature and I suppose only time will tell how we are going to remember these four individuals. R.I.P.