Better luck next time

Unfortunately for us 2010 will not be the year that World Cup fever spreads past the first round of eliminations in the U.S. After a tightly contested match the United States fell to Ghana in overtime which marks the the second consecutive World Cup match against Ghana that has sent the U.S. home early. This loss comes as a heavy blow to a U.S. team that was riding high on it's 1 to 1 tie against England in the first round. Both thrilling games showcased the ability of the U.S. team to keep their score as low as possible. Following the loss the U.S. ambassador to mediocrity Joe Schmo was quoted as saying "Meh! It's not who wins or looses but I'm just glad they tried hard. Third time's a charm, we'll get 'em next time!".

Get real! I don't care how much people want soccer.....er.....football to happen here. Until we start winning it's not going to. If you want proof of this look at the 1980 miracle on ice team that is still somehow proping the sport of hockey up on life support here in the states. People still talk about that win like it decided the Cold War for us! We are a country that demands winning because it's in our DNA.

If we loose at something then we simply downplay our interest in it. Like when we lost to Puerto Rico in basketball during the 2004 Olympics. "They play a different type of basketball with funny rules". Ah, that is why they out scored us by 19 points. Gotcha.

When it comes to a sport based on low scores, lots of defense, and way more acting than a Megan Fox movie, we as Americans will demand more for our attention. That is why I have a few suggestions that might help the U.S. the next time around.

1. Play with steel toe boots. If half the injuries that were faked on the field were the result of a size 12 Redwing to the shin I think you could sway some of the MMA crowd over.

2. Give players weapons. Since the common perception here in the states is that soccer players are sissies I think if they were carying a baseball bat around to bludgeon a would be "challenger" it help would dispell that myth. Besides nothing says American like a Louisville Slugger!

3. Release a live bear onto the field. If you think the World Cup is boring and a little slow just watch how fast everyone would run with a 2-ton Alaskan Grizzly on the loose. "Hey that bear is from America. USA...USA...USA!!!" Better yet give each team a bear and instead of those stupid yellow and red cards make player tie a T-bone steak around their waist after a foul. Now it's like the World Cup meets Survivor!

Admitedly the aforementioned "improvements" would resemble something out of a Mad Max movie rather than a World Cup game but I think the point is that if America is going to get on board with another sport it will need to cater to the audience.

Then again maybe yelling GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!! once every forty-five minutes is enough to help soccer...er...football catch on here in the U.S. When it comes to obnoxiously screaming things at the top of your lungs while wearing funny hats we love that kind of stuff!

That was a close one!

So I am finally confident that the dust has settled on the expansion/contraction/formal execution of the Big 12 conference. I am a die hard KU fan and because of this I have been relegated to sitting idly by while nefarious forces (mainly Texas, the Big Ten, and the Pac-10) try to force my beloved Jayhawks out of their happy home. I myself have been holding my breath and trying to read any information on the subject for the last few weeks and I have come to the conclusion: I absolutely hate rumors! I blame myself for getting so worked up about this situation because I don't have to read the news but it's almost impossible to ignore when they are talking about the fate of my Alma Mater. Although no one has a clue what really goes on behind closed doors everyone in the media is quoting a "confidential source" that knows someone, who is affiliated with, a friend of the person, who mows the lawn for a decision maker in the program. For the love of God just tell me who who we're going to play next year!

Unfortunately no one had any idea what was going to happen and we all had to watch the fallout unfold one leaked headline at a time. Because the rumors got out of control the Big 12 was made to look like a second rate conference that no one wanted to be a part of. What, you ask, started this overnight exodus from the Big 12? The short answer is of course money. It's no secret that colleges make a ton on their athletic programs and because of this they are constantly evaluating how they can find additional streams of revenue to bolster their programs. Because the Everyone saw an opportunity to make money and no one wanted to tip their hand in this high stakes game of B.S.

In the end Nebraska left for the Big Ten (although they now have 12 teams), Colorado headed for the Pac-10 ( who also has 12 teams after adding Utah), Texas and the rest of its mindless affiliates decided to stay put in the Big 12 (which is down to only 10 teams)...for now. Mizzou made a pathetic attempt to save face while pleading to keep the conference together after they found out they were snubbed in their bid to join the Big Ten. And all the while KU, K-State, Baylor, and Iowa State were tight lipped and stoic about the whole process while no doubt shitting their pants at the thought of what cut rate conference they would be able to get into if things went bad.

So how did the the Big 12 go from the verge of extinction to overnight basketball super conference? Easy, everyone promised Texas a lot of money. Not only will many teams need to pony up a bribe for the chance to get smoked by the Longhorns in football on an annual basis but also much of the money that Nebraska and Colorado will pay for leaving the conference is going to...guess who? Plus the Big 12 has agreed to allow Texas to pursue its own TV contract that they alone would gain the revenue from. Holy crap! Texas just mugged every remaining team in the Big 12 for millions and they had to smile about it! Somebody get Texas a cigarette after that f-job!

At first I was extremely worried that this debacle would spell doom for the history and the rivalries that KU and the Big 12 have cultivated over the years. If Texas left they would have taken the rest of the Big 12 South with them and left the four stepchildren in the north to fight for table scraps (i.e. the Mountain West Conference....ugh). This was an unflattering situation to say the least. The thought of playing a perennial powerhouse like Air Force or Wyoming just didn't stack up to the type of rivalries we have in the status quo. Not to mention the irony of any team in Kansas being part of a conference with "mountain" in its title is enough for me to veto this move (note: there is a mountain in Kansas! Mount Sunflower 4,039 feet above sea level. But I still don't want anything to do with the MWC...sorry).

Now that this crisis is over and I don't have to worry about driving to Utah for an 'effing conference game next season, I'm trying to reconcile my emotions about this whole ordeal. I am still somewhat upset that the media circus surrounding this event made legitimate Big 12 universities look like a bunch of lepers that would contaminate "superior" conferences. But more than that I'm pissed that Texas gets to be courted by multiple conferences at once only to bluff its way to a huge payday. I am more aware than I would like to admit that Texas is a necessary evil to tolerate if we want to have any resemblance to the Big 12 that we have come to know and love but that doesn't mean I have to like it. On the bright side maybe this will be just the motivation that others in the Big 12 need to stick it to the burnt orange bastards when they face them in conference.

I'm pretty sure I have learned two things from this experience. The first is that money will always win over preserving tradition. And the second is that no one at any of the league offices can count how many teams are actually in their own conference! I guess the only numbers they are interested in counting have $$$ in front of them.

Ahhh...Saint Valentine's Day. A day in which men everywhere club each over the head to get the last of the roses and candy left on store shelves. A day that symbolizes the commericialization of America and the fact that the world is in fact run (behind the scenes of course) by Hallmark (based in Kansas City for all you hometown fans). It is also a day that is largely misunderstood. Therefore I thought that I would share a little knowledge about this "holiday"....

In 496 A.D Pope Gelasius I estabilshed that a feast should be held in honor a martyr by the name of Valentine (but instead of "Valentine" is was pronounced all Greeky). Details are fuzzy about whether or not the feast was supposed to be for just one "Valentine" or several martyrs by that name. (Feasts were kinda like keggers in those days, you didn't need a real good excuse to have one) The thing is Gelasius didn't even know the guy or for that matter what the guy did other than die. He was quoted as saying "his acts are known only to God....and he owes me money". This may be paraphrasing but the point is he was no Lebron James of his day.

Later historical evidence point to a "Valentinus" that was a Roman priest who was caught and imprisoned for marrying Christian couples (the eqivilent of a modern day prop 8 scandal...thanks California). The Roman emporer at the time Claudius II actually became fond of Valentinus and the two became close...until Valentinus tried to convert Claudius II to Christianity. Claudius then promptly ordered Valentinus to be beaten with clubs and beheaded. (Just to be fair this is a pretty standard reaction to anyone who tries to push their religion on me too.)

This decidedly un-Valentine's Day-like event later led to Gelasius declaring a feast in the name of Valentine, the brutal murder of seven gangsters by Al Capone's gang in 1929, and eventually to what we know today as Saint "open your wallets for candy and flowers" Day. If you are as confused as I am about what giving flowers and greeting cards to a loved one has to do with these events you aren't alone.

Oh well, V-Day is almost over and now we can concentrate on celebrating Jesus rising from the dead by hiding painted egss and taking our kids pictures on the lap of a six foot tall rabbit at Sears. God Bless America!!!

Short on time, patience, and intelligence...

This post goes out to all of those individuals who have been stuck in airports for the last few days and are taking it out on the people in customer service around them. As I'm writing this my understanding is that the east coast has been getting pounded for days with a blizzard, Atlanta and Florida are in a panic because white stuff is falling from the sky (they don't know what snow looks like), and Dallas has cancelled flights for the next few days. People can commence with their tantrums....now. "What do you mean the g*#$am flight is canncelled? Oh my god we're all gonna have to wait for the weather to clear up? Where is all this global warming I keep hearing about?"

I work at an airport so I get it that the airport sucks out loud!!! We all take it on the chin from the security guy and then there is a delay or a cancellation and you end up living in the airport like Tom Hanks in that one movie. Yeah it isn't fun but why take it out on the people that work there? Sure they aren't that friendly but that's because neither are you. Just realize the only person that can help you at that very moment is standing there and they are trying to help. They don't want to get yelled at but they also need to do their job. If their job is to sell you something just listen to their pitch. If they need to check to see if you are smuggling produce in from Canada....spread 'em. If their job is to whip you up a non-fat, non-gmo, soy protien, mocha latte (gross) don't cause a scene. Just calmly explain that they forgot the whip cream and get the f**k over yourself.

Whether you are at the airline baggage check, the rental car counter, or the starbucks you should try to be nice to the person that is helping you. Why you ask? Because if you don't tip the sky cap your bags will wind up in Saudi Arabia. If you don't politely refuse an upgrade you will wind up driving a roller skate that was recently smoked in. And if you don't feel it is neccessary to thank the person making your esspresso....it may have the distinct aftertaste of spit.